


Beaches Be Crazy

by Ladytalon



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Absolute Foolishness, Alternate Universe - Lifeguards, Another weird-ass AU from Yours Truly, Background Coffee Shop AU!Psyren, F/M, Getting to Know Each Other, Humor, Jealousy, No beaches were harmed in the writing of this work of fiction, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23709760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: Zed is a lifeguard at the Sanctuary community center pool, and sparks fly when he meets his new coworker.  Metaphorical sparks, though, because actual sparks around a large body of water would be unsafe.  It’s Baewatch, baby!
Relationships: Zed Blanco/Patricia Tannis
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Beaches Be Crazy

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by someone’s blood-soaked Oasis lifeguard cosplay on Google Images and fueled by cabin fever. It really wanted to be a chaptered fic but I said ”Not today, Satan!” and promptly imagined a three-part miniseries culminating in a slow motion swimming montage and a marriage proposal. It is what it is.

The first time Zed sees her, he forgets all about it in less than five minutes.

The second time, Zed only remembers because it’s in the same exact place and he’s never known that anyone could get that worked up over a barista getting their name wrong. Her nose is bleeding so much, she’s bound to need a transfusion.

Three’s not really a charm…it’s just plain weird.

He’s in the middle of his shift at Sanctuary’s new community center pool when he sees her again, darting out from the women’s locker room and changing area. Zed gives the pool a quick glance and looks over; she’s hugging the wall and scooting to the side like she’s in a spy movie, periodically pulling away to rub her hands with…is she really carrying a tub of bleach wipes with her? He looks over at the weirdo in lane five for a second, then back at her. Yes, and she’s got them attached to a lanyard around her neck.

Movement from the corner of his eye draws his attention, and Zed looks down to see Lane Five reaching down to adjust his bright orange swim trunks. They’ve just managed to reopen the pool after what happened last week, and now this psycho thinks he can take a whiz in there? Not on Zed’s watch. He lifts his whistle to his lips and blows a piercing note of warning. “Don’t even think about it,” he calls over, forking his fingers at his eyes and then pointing at the guy. “I got my eye on you.”

The guy finally leaves to use the bathroom in the appropriate spot because Zed really wasn’t kidding about watching him like a rakk, but when he comes back he brings a ton of his buddies…who are all shaved balder than a carton of eggs and are wearing the same orange shorts. There must’ve been a sale somewhere. It might not even be the same person; they really do look alike. Zed squints at the group, wondering where the hell they all came from – probably one of those school field trips where the teacher is out getting drunk in the parking lot.

A couple Athenas kids are roughhousing by the diving board, and give Zed the finger when he blows his whistle at them. 

He scans the water for anyone who looks like they’re either in trouble or might start some of it, then looks around to see if that strange woman is still creeping around with her wet wipes. Zed locates her over by the water slide, which technically isn’t in his section for another fifteen minutes, but she’s definitely still acting weird. 

“Hey, man,” a voice says from behind him, and Zed turns to see Ace Baron walking up to his chair. “How’s it going?”

“You try to give me your tape one more time, kid, I’mma bounce it off your forehead,” Zed warns. 

“I won’t,” Ace promises.

“That’s good, then. You know what the hell’s goin’ on over there?” Zed nods towards the rowdy group of skinheads.

The younger lifeguard turns to look. “Oh god, _those_ guys again. We had some at Mt. Schuler and they always tried to piss in the water.”

“I stopped one of ‘em earlier…hang on, Mt. Schuler Recovery Center? Ain’t that…?”

“The old folks rehab facility outside Meridian? Yeah. They’d come in there anyway.” He scratches at the back of his head. “Listen, Cassius wanted me to ask if you could take over for Nina? He, uh, he wanted to talk to her about something.”

Zed has a good idea of what old Leclemaine wants to talk about, and it’s not the schedule for next week. “Ned don’t get here ‘til noon,” he reminds Ace as he climbs down and unhooks his bag from the back of the chair, “and Ted’s runnin’ that swim class.”

“It’s cool, I could use the overtime.” Ace kicks his sandals underneath the chair and climbs up.

Walking around the edge of the pool, Zed pauses to nudge a kickboard back into the water with his toes and tosses a ball back to the outstretched arms of its owner. He rolls his eyes and grins at the good-natured catcalls of the snack bar’s owners, pausing to say hello. “How’s it, ladies?”

“Better now I’ve seen _your_ fine self, Sugar,” Moxxi says flirtatiously. “Stay awhile, won’t you? Those shoulders of yours will bring the customers in droves.”

Ellie laughs. “Momma, you know he got work t’do – save it for when his fine-ass brothers come in; you’re all scheduled today, right?”

“What would y’all know about it? Schedule’s in the _employee_ break room and while I don’t doubt that either of you are killin’ it with your CPR skills, you ain’t been certified,” he says sternly.

Moxxi leans over the counter towards him to give Zed a good look at her cleavage. “Maybe not, but you can’t deny that I’d make an excellent partner for water rescue. I’ve had trouble staying afloat in the past, so you’d need to make sure no water gets in. If you catch my drift, sweetness.” 

Zed frowns, wondering what that could possibly mean and why Ellie has her hands clapped to her face in mortification. “You’d float just fine,” he says, inadvertently glancing down at her chest because it’s _right there_. Her lips go thin and her eyes narrow with pique. “No offense,” Zed tacks on way too late. “I gotta…go. Over there. Bye.”

He barely escapes with his life and is halfway to Nina’s station when the meaning of Moxxi’s earlier comment becomes clear. _Very_ clear. “Oh, my lord.” What is _wrong_ with the woman? At least he’s far enough away so she can’t see his face turning red. Nina spots him coming and declines to dismount even though she’s got to know what’s up. “Hey there, Nina.”

“I will wring his neck like rakk,” she says coolly. “He not even man enough to come for Nina himself.”

“That’s ‘cause he’s scared t’death of you,” Zed tells her, leaning against the platform and looking out at the people messing around in the water slide area. Those Athenas brats are going to get what’s coming to them as soon as he rotates around to their area – what’s that new lifeguard _doing_ over there, sleeping? “Cassius ain’t gonna fire you or nothin’ – he knows you’re one of our best – but he needs to make sure the cameras get both of y’all talkin’ about the handbook.”

Nina growls out exactly what she hopes the camera captures. “Hyperion dogs should not even be _allowed_ in pool.”

He’s with her, there. “Go easy on him. ’Fore you go - what’s the deal with the new guy? What’s his name…Autohn?”

“Bah, he so lazy he is fired _already_. Nina had to call in favor from old friend on contact list,” Nina says, finally climbing down and shoving her feet into her sandals aggressively. “Friend not exactly…still certified…but will do for now.”

Zed stares at her. “The hell, Nina? Y’all know we can’t have folks workin’ here what don’t have their shit in order-”

“Nina must talk with Cassius,” his friend says loudly, like she can’t hear him, and takes off before he can say anything else.

He sighs and shakes his head, climbing up into the seat and scanning the water for trouble. Ace is blowing his whistle at the chrome domes like he’s the leader of a drill team, so Zed hopes that none of them are doing anything gross over there. Once he’s satisfied that nobody’s drowning, he looks over to catch a glimpse of his new coworker – the chair’s empty, but just below it is… _her?_ The wet wipes spy lady is actually _working_ with them?

Zed forces himself to look away because he’s not there to stare at anyone no matter how cute they may be, but his eyeballs seem to have a mind of their own because he needs to pry them off her again. Is she really that pretty, or is it just the lighting (and the distance)? He _does_ need to have his eyes checked next month.

He’s not really sure why she’s wearing sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, though.

He keeps an eye on her until Nina comes out of the offices and swaps places with Ace, who comes to swap with Zed…who has the perfect excuse to approach the new girl. Zed walks over to her, noting how defensive she seems the moment she realizes he’s approaching her. “Hey there. You’re new, right?”

She immediately presses back against the chair and he stops moving forward. “Who are you?”

“Name’s Zed. That’d make you….?”

“What?”

“I’m askin’ what your name is,” Zed says patiently. She really _is_ as cute as he’d thought. Not too quick on the uptake, though.

“Then why did you not simply ask what it was, instead of-” she squints at him suddenly. “I was told by Nina that I would not be stationed up by the slide, and I hope you have not come to insist that I do so because I will not do it.”

Zed blinks in surprise. “Well, no, Nina didn’t say nothin’ about that.” He’d think that it was weird that she refuses to go up there, but he’s already seen the way she doesn’t even want to climb up into the chair. Nina’s comment about her not being certified makes a lot more sense, now. “Don’t worry over it; I can take over. You never said what your name was.”

She looks up at him with those big green eyes, her arms clamped over her chest protectively. “No, I did not.”

“Right,” Zed sighs. “Well, you might wanna get those kids out from under the slide ‘fore someone comes down on top of ‘em. If it ain’t too much trouble.” He heads up the winding steps to the top of the slide and sits down on the folding chair they’ve got up there, wondering what her deal is.

His shift ends just as Ned and Ted’s shifts start, so he hangs out to wait for his brothers while he talks to Nina. Cassius sticks his head out of the main office to frown at them, probably thinking they’re talking about him – and he’d be right, too, because Nina’s still a little pissed off. “So Nina says, ‘Nina don’t care about _liability_ \- if stupid Hyperion dog not want to drown, he will listen to Nina,’” his friend says.

“I say let him get a lungful of water next time,” Zed replies, thinking about how those Hyperion bastards bulldozed his town to make way for one of their power plants. “They always think they can do whatever the hell they want – eminent domain, my left asscheek.”

Ned saunters through the door twirling his lanyard around his right index finger, followed by Ted who’s flipping through some paperwork. “‘Sup, Nina? You squash anyone else today?”

“Just you, if you lucky enough,” Nina narrows her eyes at Ned, who laughs and comes over for a friendly hug.

Ted looks up from his clipboard. “Leclemaine givin’ you the business, Neen? You want, I could drown him for you. Five bucks.”

Nina offers him twenty, and Zed shakes his head warningly at Ted behind Nina’s back. “ _No_ ,” he mouths. 

Ted rolls his eyes. “I got five minutes ‘fore my class comes in and some damned fool scattered all the kickboards again. See y’all later.” He walks off, right past the new girl who does a double-take upon seeing all three of them.

“Who’s that?” Ned asks. “Don’t she know that we’re supposed t’have shorts on?”

“She filling in.” Nina explains something about her needing the money which makes sense, because Zed’s not sure she’d even be in a thirty-mile radius otherwise. Ned gives a disinterested shrug, and wanders off to flirt at the snack bar instead of relieving Ace like he’s supposed to.

The young woman finally reaches them and crosses her arms across her chest again, peering up at Zed distrustfully. “There are three of you.”

“That there is,” he says unhelpfully. “You gonna tell me your name, now, or is it a secret?”

Nina is looking back and forth between them with an oddly satisfied look on her face, like she knows something they don’t. “Patricia should ask Zed for help she needs. Big, handsome man should be _good_ help, yes? Nina must go now for hot date.” She bustles off into the locker room, leaving them alone with each other.

Patricia, huh? He wouldn’t’ve pegged her as a Patricia – she looks more like an Amy, or maybe even a Sarah. Still, he’s got no room to judge another person’s name. “You need some help?”

“No, I do not,” Patricia immediately says.

“A’ight, then. See ya tomorrow.” Zed turns away from her, wondering why he’s even wasting his time talking to someone who clearly doesn’t give a damn about common courtesy. Part of him is waiting for her to call after him, volunteer some information, maybe even give him a smile…but she doesn’t, so he heads into the men’s locker room to shower and change.

In the morning, he picks a sleeveless shirt with the Oasis logo on it and it’s definitely _not_ because Patricia’s working today and he wants to show off his arms. He just felt a little warm yesterday, that’s all. That is all and that is _it_ , Zed tells himself, stopping in front of the mirror to flex. He shrugs into a hoodie, shoves his bare feet into a pair of flip flops, and throws his bag in the car before going to get some coffee. 

He runs into Maya and Salvador at the coffee shop, finding out that Maya’s boyfriend has just finished his barista training and that they’re there to support him. Zed never thought he’d see the day that Krieg was allowed behind the counter anywhere, mostly because he’s so damned big that he makes the cups and mugs look like they belong in a dollhouse. Krieg’s managing just fine, though, and being extra careful about everything – Maya looks fit to burst with pride. Zed picks up his coffee when Krieg roars “Caffeinated OVERDOSE for the SOUL split in THIRDS!” instead of just calling out Zed’s name, which is pretty tame compared to what he’d usually yell.

“Thanks, Krieg,” Zed says. “You’re really gettin’ the hang of this.”

The big man’s remaining eye crinkles in pleased acknowledgement. “DROWN THE DESERVING.”

Classic Krieg, Zed thinks. “You bet.” He lifts a hand in farewell and heads out the door, about to get into his car when he sees Patricia crossing the street on a red light. “They make those buttons on the side of the crosswalk for times like this,” Zed tells her when she’s close enough to hear.

“Ah, yes. An unsolicited opinion was _just_ what I’d been hoping for this morning,” Patricia replies without even looking at him.

“Need a ride t’work? I could take you,” he offers.

“No-”

“You’ll be late if you don’t say yes.” Zed’s not really sure if that’s true, but she’d have to book it as soon as she gets her coffee and she doesn’t really strike him as a runner.

Patricia finally looks up at him, and he’s immediately left feeling like he’s a bug she’s trapped under a glass for further study. “I will consider it.” She even makes it sound like she’s doing him a favor.

Zed watches her walk into the coffee shop, torn between wanting to spend more time with her and needing to salvage what’s left of his pride by leaving her there. He finally decides to wait and sips his coffee as he leans back against the hood of his car, wondering what made her so…prickly. Yeah. He’s going to go with ‘prickly.’

When she comes back out with a cup in one hand and a blood-speckled tissue in the other, she stops right there on the sidewalk and stares at him. “You’re still here.”

“Said I’d give you a ride, and I meant it,” Zed says calmly. “How’s the nose?”

“What? Oh.” Patricia crams the tissue into her pocket, then immediately looks distressed and fishes it back out again. “I need to…”

Zed jerks his chin towards the bin a few feet away. “Over there.” He leans through the open car window to retrieve the small bottle of hand sanitizer he keeps in the center console, and offers it to her when she turns around after discarding the tissue. 

Her eyebrows draw together sharply and she frowns up at him, but her hands slowly reach out for the bottle. “You don’t look like the type of person who cares much for cleanliness,” Patricia says accusingly.

“Really, now? Y’know, you gotta be the rudest woman I ever met. How you expect to make friends with that crappy attitude?”

“I expect nothing,” she says, sounding surprised that anyone could ever want any friends at all.

“Well, maybe you should. Maybe you should also get your behind into my car so you can actually get t’work on time,” Zed tells her. “I promise I won’t leave your body in a dumpster somewhere, if that’s what you’re worried over.”

Patricia hems and haws about it before finally making him cover the passenger seat with a blanket that she (of course) has to inspect first. She gets in, giving his leg hair several mistrustful glances, and clutches her coffee cup like holding it’s a matter of life and death. “I hope you do not think that I will owe you for this.”

Zed checks his mirrors, and pulls out into the street. “Aw, man. Here I was holdin’ out for a June wedding.”

“Why would we wish to engage in matrimony? We barely know each other.”

“It was a _joke_ \- you take everything so damn literal?”

“Yes,” Patricia confirms.

He grins despite himself, flipping on the turn signal and slowing down in preparation for a lane change. “I’ll keep that in mind. Say, what was Nina on about? You needin’ some help with a few things?” Zed pulls into the community center’s parking lot and drives around to the employee entrance, noting that she’s kept quiet. “Whatever it is; if it’s somethin’ I can help with, I’d be glad to give you a hand.”

She stares over at him as he finds a parking spot and backs into it. “Why would you want to do that?”

“C’mon, now, you never had anyone help you out just ‘cause you needed it?”

Patricia looks more bewildered than ever. “Of course not.”

Zed has no idea what the hell he’s supposed to say to that. “Just think about it, then. I get off at three so you can let me know…or not. Like I said, it’s your choice.”

They walk in together, paths diverging at the front counter – she angles to the left towards the changing area, and Zed slides behind the desk to check the schedule. Cassius has been known to surprise them by changing their assignments, and today’s no different; Zed’s now expected to be on check-in duty for a few hours. Well, at least now he’ll have time to enjoy his coffee instead of having to shotgun it in the break room.

He still has a minute or two before his shift starts, so he takes his bag to the row of lockers and stuffs it inside. On the way back out, Zed glances over at Cassius’ office just in time to see Patricia smiling…at _Cassius_ , who is bright red and wearing a smile of his own.

Are they _flirting_ with each other, in there?

Zed feels his stomach lurch, like he’s going to throw up. He feels hot all over. 

Maybe the A/C is busted again.

He doesn’t look away until he sees her heading towards the door, opening it into the hall where he’s standing. Patricia peers up at him. “You look as if you are ill,” she comments. “I strongly advise against vomiting in the hallway.”

Zed watches her walk away, then looks back over into Cassius’ office. He’s not ill, he realizes. What he is…is _jealous_.

Going back to the front desk, he does his best to puzzle through the unwanted revelation. He doesn’t _get_ jealous – he gets ticked off a lot of times, that’s for sure. Disappointment’s like an old friend to him with horniness coming in at a close second…but Zed’s never had anything, let alone any _one_ to be jealous over. Until now.

The first few patrons come in, followed by a group of young punks from Atlas Tech, so Zed’s kept busy making sure everyone signs a liability waiver and doesn’t write their name down as ‘Seymour Butts’ because _that’s_ apparently still hilarious. He catches ‘Mike Hunt’ and ‘Jack Hoff’, demands to see some ID, and accidentally clues Mike’s friends into the joke when it turns out that it really _is_ the poor guy’s real name. Zed gives them a stern warning to behave themselves and hooks a thumb towards the appropriate changing area.

Ted shoulders his way through the double doors, talking loudly on his phone. “Yeah…okay, sounds awesome. C’mon by whenever you want; you can pretend you’re drownin’ in the twelve and I’ll save that sweet ass. What? Uh-huh. Bye, honey.”

“Didn’t you get a write-up just last week for gettin’ your dick out in the pool?” Zed asks.

His brother circles around the counter, hurling himself into the other chair. “Naw, I got that taken outta my file.”

“How?” Zed asks, frowning at the computer screen. “Damn, who took Solitaire off here?”

“Told Cassius to take it out or I’d buy the Flexingtons a lifetime family pass. Solitaire’s moved to the Quarterly Reports folder so that corporate jerkbag wouldn’t find it.”

Zed successfully locates what he’s looking for and double clicks on it. “ _Cassius_. That new girl’s all over him – what’s he got that I don’t?” he asks, feeling frustrated.

Ted holds up a hand and begins ticking points off. “Job security. Doctorate. Rent-controlled apartment. Nicer hair. Glasses. Money. Charm-”

“Nicer hair, my ass!”

“Some folks like it smooth up top. Some of ‘em like it smooth on the bottom, too,” Ted grins. “Speakin’ of the nicer hair on your _ass_.”

“Funny,” Zed says sourly.

His brother checks his phone as he gets a text notification. “If you’re so freakin’ worried about it, just ask her why she likes him ‘steada you. Figure out what else she likes, play to that. I gotta go, they just added Senior Swim 402 to my class list ‘cause Ned got a flat tire.”

The last he heard, Ned’s license was still suspended. “Don’t he take the bus?”

“Yeah, he was just hungover and couldn’t get outta bed. I just hope nobody tries to grab my junk under the water; Ned says those old girls can get real rowdy.”

Ted disappears back into the offices and Zed’s left by himself to sigh at the computer monitor, wishing he’d never looked into Cassius’ office in the first place. He signs in several more people, fields a few phone calls, and is answering questions about the class list when Ned slouches in. “Get that tire fixed, didja?”

“Yup,” Ned says, leaning over the desk to snatch up the schedule.

Zed hands the prospective patron a brochure and invites them to come back anytime. “Bring that in with you, you can get ten percent off your first class,” he says in his Customer Service Voice. “Y’all take care, now.”

“You are scary good at that shit,” his brother tells him once they’re alone. “Got any meds on ya? My head’s just _killin’_ me.”

“Should be a bottle of somethin’ third drawer from the right. Ted’s busy gettin’ his fruit squeezed on account of you, so I hope you’re gonna make that up to him,” Zed says mildly. “You know where Solitaire is, right? I’ma head on back.”

Ned tosses off a casual salute and takes his chair when Zed gets up to leave.

He tells himself that he’s not going to but when he walks past Cassius’ office, Zed can’t help glaring through the windows. The man himself is looking right at him when he does it, too, so Cassius actually comes out to talk to him. “Is everything all right, Zed? You seem troubled,” Cassius says, fiddling with the glasses that Patricia seems to like so damned much.

Zed wants to snap those stupid glasses in half and stomp on them, then maybe sucker punch the bastard…but he conquers the impulse. It’s not Cassius’ fault that Patricia likes him better than she likes Zed; it’s not even _Patricia’s_ fault – she likes what she likes. _Zed_ might not like it, and he definitely doesn’t, but he realizes that Ted is right. He needs to find out what might attract Patricia to him instead of wasting time being resentful of something he can’t change. Besides, Cassius isn’t a bad guy – Zed’s always gotten along with him in the past.

“I got some bad news earlier, but I’ll be okay,” Zed replies. Yes, this is the way to handle it. He’s going to keep his cool and simply outmaneuver Cassius without having to resort to anything that might make him feel bad about himself. He’s going to be _mature_ about this, damn it!

Cassius smiles up at him. “That’s good to know.”

The other man turns to go, and the sight of that bald head brings out the devil in Zed. “Handbook says anyone in management needs t’steer clear of employees. You read that, too, right?”

“I beg your pardon?” Cassius turns back, looking puzzled.

“Oh, I was brushin’ up on rules and regs while I was between check-ins. Just thought that bit was interesting, is all,” Zed says smoothly, not even knowing what’s possessing him to say it. “Anyways, I’m due for my shift.” 

He heads through to the pool, feeling appalled at himself…but also a little bit vindicated because, _really_. 

The slide’s apparently closed for maintenance, and Zed wonders just what the hell’s been going on during the time he’d been on desk duty. He walks over to relieve Ace, who’s beat-boxing up in the tower chair again. “What’s the deal with the slide, or do I even wanna know?”

“The Atlas Tech guys all tried to go down it at the same time,” Ace says. “Guess what happened when they came to the U-bend?”

“What, like… _together_ together? You mean they got _stuck_ in there?”

The younger man snickers. “Man, you should’ve _seen_ that shit. I thought we’d need to call emergency services _and_ corporate, but your brother got ‘em out of there. Moxxi helped out, too.”

“Oh?” Zed looks over at the snack bar to see the woman in question hovering over all five students – Mike Hunt included – and he has a pretty good idea of how she’d helped. “Well, I guess that’s a win; they’ll be so horny that they won’t sue us, and she gets herself a couple dates outta this.” He rolls his eyes when Ace laments that _he_ wants a date with her, and sends the poor kid on his break.

The rest of his day would be entirely forgettable if not for what happens as he’s walking around to to swap stations with Patricia – Zed tries to catch her eye so that she knows he’s approaching her, but she’s staring fixedly at one of the swimmers. Patricia’s clenching her fists and bending her knees, almost bouncing in place. Following her gaze, Zed immediately sees that the man she’s looking at is floundering in the water and getting weaker by the second. 

Zed uses his whistle for the three sharp blasts that will alert the others and launches himself into the pool, diving down below the lane dividers and coming back up behind the man. “I got you,” he says, sliding his left arm around the poor guy’s chest and helping him to safety. 

Cassius is there at poolside to assist, and Zed’s able to forget what had happened earlier as they make sure that the man will be okay. EMS is called as a precaution, the pool is cleared since there’s only thirty minutes ‘til closing time anyway, and Zed gets to go change so that he can fill out an incident report. 

He’s camped out in Cassius’ office going through the required paperwork when the door opens and Patricia comes in. “Leclemaine ain’t here,” Zed tells her.

Patricia breaks out the bleach wipes and begins cleaning off another chair. “I am not here because of Cassius.”

“Okay, then.” Zed drums the pen on the clipboard and decides not to mention Patricia’s involvement….or lack thereof. He wonders if that’s why she’s really here, and thinks less of her for it. “Don’t suppose you wanna tell me why you didn’t get in there and pull that dude out.”

He continues writing, listening to her breathing as the silence stretches out. “I…I _wanted_ to.”

“I could see that,” Zed points out, “but you didn’t. You could’ve blown your whistle earlier, too.”

Patricia swallows hard enough for him to hear it. “You offered to, to help me. Before.”

“I did,” Zed agrees, scanning his report before scrawling his signature at the bottom. He looks up to see the honest distress in her eyes and feels bad for thinking that she might come in and try to persuade him not to tell anyone. “Did someone drown on your watch? Is that what this’s all about?” he asks gently.

She looks away. “Does it count if the someone was me?”

Now that, Zed thinks, explains a hell of a lot. 

Patricia quietly tells him about trying to rescue a man much bigger than herself; despite her care in approaching him from behind, he’d broken from her grasp and turned to latch onto her. In his panic he’d tried to climb atop of her, which had forced Patricia below the water where she was helpless to break free. Both of them had drowned while only she’d been able to be revived…and hours after a trip to the hospital, her lungs had filled with water when she thought she was safe. “So you see, the water has somewhat lost its appeal,” Patricia finishes.

“I can see why,” Zed says. “Most folks don’t last after dry drownin’ – how’d you manage it?”

She shakes her head slightly. “When you are fueled by caffeine and paranoia in equal amounts, you tend to prepare for every possible eventuality. I wrote an explanatory note that I pinned to my chest, and called emergency services.”

“That’s quick thinkin’ then,” Zed tells her, noticing that he’s forgotten to write the day’s date next to his signature. “How do I come in? ‘Cause somethin’ tells me you didn’t just come in here to tell your origin story.”

Patricia looks at him like she’s cataloguing every single one of his faults. “I need the recertification paperwork.”

“…and you can’t get that unless you can get your behind back in the water.”

She fidgets a little and takes a short, unhappy-sounding breath. “Yes.”

“Then we’ll work on that.”

Those big green eyes lock onto him again. “I am not comfortable with anal penetration,” Patricia tells him.

The pen, which Zed has lowered to the paper to write the date, skitters across the page to make a long mark. “ _What!_ ”

“To start with, I mean. You _could_ prove to be a gentle and considerate lover but somehow I doubt it.”

Zed stares at her. “What in the _hell_ are you on about?”

“It’s obvious that you expect sexual services from me in return, so I am attempting to be ‘up front’ – as they say – about my willingness to participate,” Patricia says.

“Uh…why’re you sayin’ it’s obvious, when I never asked for a thing?” It’s like the coffee shop parking lot all over again, but worse this time. 

The proverbial floodgates open as she lists practically every single glance he’s ever aimed her way. “There is also the matter of your shirt, as it is missing its sleeves. You have worn it in an attempt to attract my attention to your rather large biceps, have you not?”

Yes, Zed thinks guiltily. “What? _No_.”

Patricia looks him over carefully. “While you are a great deal larger than the individuals I usually take to my bed, your facial features are pleasing enough for me to overlook your overall…beefiness. Shall we schedule our sexual encounters to coincide with the water therapy sessions, or would you rather conduct them on different days?”

Zed gazes across the table, wondering if he cracked his head too hard on the side of the pool earlier and this is all just a hallucination. He’s also wondering if he didn’t jump the gun on being jealous of Cassius, because this is some wild shit. She’s not going to believe him if he tells her that he’s not interested in having sex with her, and he won’t blame her for that because…well, it’s just not true. At this point he’d probably gnaw off his own arm to jump into bed with her. The left arm, though, because that’s his non-dominant hand. 

He _should_ tell her that he’s going to help her because it’s the right thing to do and not because he wants to have sex with her.

He’s not going to tell her that.

He is _definitely_ going to hell for this.

“After is fine with me,” Zed tells her, and they shake on it like they’re conducting a business deal or something. Which is kind of what they’re doing.

He should probably take her out to eat first, though.


End file.
